The Buffy Horror Show
by Shelby Erin
Summary: What if the cast of BtvS and AtS were stuck inside a scary movie?


Authors: Erin   
Rating: Just like the show.  
Disclaimer: Hi all. Erin here. Just a note. I don't own the characters. I'm just writing about them. Please don't sue. All you'd get would be a not-so-shiny nickel and a hair clip. Kudos to my friend Trish. Late night sugar fests and creativity make for great inspiration.   
Distribution: Take it, just let me know where.   
Feedback: Sure! Send it to shelbyerinspike@yahoo.com  
Premise: What if the characters of BtVS and AtS were in a scary movie?   
Warning: Character death! You were warned.  
  
  
Buffy Horror Show  
  
  
It was a dark and stormy night, just before Halloween. Well of course it was. This IS supposed to be a scary movie you know. So anyway. It was a dark and stormy night. Cordelia was making popcorn on the stove, humming to herself. Then, a grinding headache hit her, and images flashed in her mind. It was another vision. She fell to the ground, gripping her head in her hands. When it was over, she gasped and jumped up. "Gunn! Gunn's in trouble!" Instead of phoning Gunn to warn him, she decided that it would be a much better idea to go and find him herself, and not to tell anyone where she was going, or even that Gunn was in trouble. She threw on her coat and headed out the door.   
  
She drove off, heading for the community center, where she knew Gunn liked to work out on Tuesday nights. When she arrived, the place was dark and there was no one in sight, because it was 11 at night. Of course, the center was closed, and she was trespassing, but she paid no attention to that detail. She wandered into the dark building, and entered the poolroom. "Gunn?" She called. "Gunn, are you around? Listen mister, you'd better not be hiding on me. I came all this way to tell you you're in danger, and I'd be really mad if you didn't come out and talk to me." She stood at the edge of the pool in her stiletto heels, scanning the room for any sign of movement. Just then, there was a ripple in the water below her. "Gunn?" She leaned over to look, and two arms shot up out of the water and pulled her in.   
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!" She shrieked. She turned her head to look at her attacker. "What??? It's YOU? Oh, it just figu-" She was cut off when her head was pushed under the water and held there. She flailed for a while, and then was still. End necessary "pretty girl gets a wet shirt and then dies" scene.   
  
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Gunn walked along the empty hallway, whistling. His footsteps echoed, as they always do when someone is walking in a hallway at night in a scary movie. As he passed the pool room, he noticed something floating in the water. He walked through the glass doors and headed to the edge of the pool to investigate. As he got closer, it became clear that it was a woman. With a frown, he moved closer. A shadowy figure crept up behind him but, of course, he didn't notice. He reached over to the woman and turned her over, then cried out in horror. "Cordelia? Oh God, Cordy! Who did this to you Cordy?" She didn't answer, seeing that she was dead and all. Suddenly, through that magical intuition that characters always get a moment too late, Gunn sensed someone behind him. He turned, about to cry out, but it was too late. A gloved hand raised a gun, and Gunn was shot. (Note the very clever pun). He toppled into the pool, and the killer vanished.   
  
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Wesley sat in the office at Angel's hotel, poring over a thick tome. "Fascinating..." he murmured. "A complete documentation of chaos demon mating habits. I wonder where on Earth Angel was able to find this..." The door to the office creaked slowly open, but Wesley was far too engrossed in his book to notice. Slow, creepy music began to play out of nowhere. A pair of black boots moved slowly across the floor. "Hmmm..." the former watcher continued. "It says here that chaos demons find insanity a desirable trait. Well I suppose that-" Suddenly, he stopped. A sound had caught his attention. He glanced towards the other end of the room. "Well, a book seems to have fallen off the shelf. How odd." He walked briskly over and picked up the large volume. As he stepped forward to replace it, the bookcase tumbled forward. He didn't step aside, so the heavy piece of furniture fell right onto him, effectively crushing him to death.   
  
"You see?" Muttered a voice. "Heavy reading CAN be bad for you."   
  
*****************************************************************************   
  
Angel's car roared down the road, splashing through several puddles. He was driving at top speed on a rain-slicked highway, but his control and speed were in no way affected by such trifling matters. After all, driving in a downpour is just like driving on a sunny day. Anyway, Angel had other things on his mind. He had gone out searching for his friends when they had not met him to work on a case that night. He had been shocked when he had discovered the bodies, one by one. He didn't know how he'd known exactly where to look, but he had. He couldn't believe it. Wes, Cordy and Gunn. All dead. He supposed that he could have tried tracking down the killer, but he felt that he should go and warn Buffy first. She was certainly in danger, and a phone call just wouldn't do. He HAD to go there himself.   
  
He pulled up into her driveway in record time, since it never takes any longer than about 30 seconds to get anywhere in a movie. He ran quickly to her door and knocked loudly. Buffy wandered over and opened it up.   
  
"Huh? Angel? What are you doing here?"   
  
"Buffy, I came to warn you. You're in danger."   
  
"Again?"   
  
"Yes Buffy. Someone killed Wes, Cordy and Gunn, and I think that you could be next."   
  
She frowned. "Angel, I face danger every single day. I'm a Slayer remember? Demons, vampires, zombies. I fight them every single night."   
  
As she spoke, a dark figure crept up behind her.   
  
"Buffy..." began Angel.   
  
"Just listen a minute Angel. I have to say this."   
  
"But Buffy..."   
  
"No. Just listen. We're over Angel, and we can't keep seeing one another. It's too hard on me. I just can't take it. I don't want you to keep coming back here. You have a new life and so do I."   
  
The killer crept closer and closer, wielding a large axe. Angel tried to step inside to stop him, but could not get past the barrier.   
  
"Buffy!"   
  
"I'm sorry Angel, but this is the way it has to be."   
  
A voice suddenly spoke up behind her. "Oh come on. Don't you ever get tired of the bloody soap opera bit?"   
  
Buffy gasped and turned to face the invader, who promptly swung an axe at her head. She didn't stay and fight him but, being blonde, ran up the stairs in an attempt to escape instead. She could have invited Angel in to help her, but that would have made sense, so of course she didn't. I mean really people this IS a horror movie. When she reached the top of the stairs, the killer chased her down the hall. She ducked past him and ran back down the stairs again, through the kitchen and the dining room, back up the stairs, down again, and through the kitchen and dining room again, screaming all the while. The killer growled in annoyance.   
  
"Stay bloody still!" He yelled. "And knock off that racket!" With that, he cut off her head. It rolled a few times, stopping by the door. Angel stared at it in horror.   
  
"You.... you killed Buffy..." he said, furrowing his brow.   
  
"Yeah, and your point is?"   
  
"Look, it doesn't have to be this way. I know how you must be feeling right now. It seems so tempting, so easy just to take lives. To make them hurt, and bleed and die. But you can fight it."   
  
As Angel began his heroic speech, the killer pulled a jerry can out of nowhere and doused him in gasoline. Unfazed, Angel continued to ramble on.   
  
"It'll be harder, but it's possible. You just have to brood. A lot. That helps."   
  
The killer lit a match and flicked it at him. "No bleeding way." Angel went up quickly in flames, his hair burning brightly thanks to all the gel in it. His last thought was:   
  
*You know, if I were evil, I'd have killed him, and not be barbeque right now. Damned soul. *   
  
*****************************************************************************   
  
The next night, Giles stood in a cold, white room. A man in scrubs pulled out the slab on which Buffy's body had been laid.   
  
"Is this Miss Summers?" Asked the man.   
  
Giles put one hand to his forehead, and swallowed hard. "Oh dear God.... y... yes... that's Buffy...."   
  
"I'm so sorry."   
  
Giles nodded slowly. "And you say this was done... with... with an axe?"   
  
"Yes. It's highly unusual to encounter an actual axe murder. Axes are not normally a weapon of choice."   
  
Giles cleared his throat. "Yes well..." he looked at the man. "I should go and inform her loved ones I think."   
  
The man nodded. "Of course. Here, let me walk with you to the parking lot." The two men walked down a long hallway and out to the lot. The stranger gave Giles' car an appreciative look.   
  
"Nice wheels. But what's with the vanity plate? Watcher? What is it that you watch?"   
  
Giles sighed. "Never mind... it's rather a long story..." With that, he climbed inside and sped away into the night. The real reason for the vanity plate was that the author needed a license plate that was cheesy, and easy to remember, because everyone knows that that's just how things work. You don't have to like it. Just deal.   
  
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Later, a group of policemen were standing be the edge of a cliff. A very nice red car with the license plate "Watcher" was being pulled up from the bottom of the cliff. A chipper, blonde newswoman was standing nearby, reporting on the incident.   
  
"Police believe that this crash was no accident. They say that it appears that the brake lines of the car were cut, thus causing it to crash through the barrier and send the sole occupant of the vehicle to a terrible, bloody death." She took a moment to appear sufficiently saddened, and then beamed into the camera once more. "This has been August Storm (of course she had to be named some ridiculous Hollywood name. She's a reporter in a piece of fiction.), reporting to you live from Dead Man's Cliff. Tune in in twenty minutes to see my report on tomatoes. Fruit, or vegetable?"   
  
The scoobies stared at the TV screen in horror. They had all been hanging out at Xander's house for no reason in particular, and hadn't noticed that Buffy was a couple of hours late meeting them. Xander had turned on the TV so that they could watch Scooby Doo, and it had just so happened that the channel had been set to the local news station, at exactly the time that the 2-minute story had begun.   
  
"Oh my gosh! I can't believe this! That... that was Giles' car! Giles is dead!" cried Willow.   
  
"Well that's no good... now where will I get my money?" Asked Anya. Everyone turned and stared at her. "What?" She asked, genuinely confused. They all shook their heads and chose to ignore her from that point on.   
  
Just then, the phone rang. Xander walked over and answered it. There was a quick, hushed conversation, and a look of shock came over him. He hung up the phone and turned to the group.   
  
"Xander, you're all pale and eek looking." Stated Anya. "Why?"   
  
"It's Buffy... she's dead too... someone killed her with an axe..." He didn't bother to mention who it was that had been on the line. It doesn't really matter. The phone call was just a very see through plot crutch to move the story along.   
  
"Th-th-that's t-terrible." stuttered Tara.   
  
Willow nodded. "What a terrible coincidence, losing them both to homicide in the same night."   
  
"Willow, it's not a coincidence!" exclaimed Xander. "Someone is out to kill us all! We have to call the cops! Or something..."   
  
The group looked at him, then burst out laughing. "Oh Xander." Said Willow. "Don't be silly. Just because they both died on the same night in horribly gruesome ways doesn't mean that there's a serial killer after us. You watch too many scary movies. I think that we should all split up and go our separate ways now. Come on Tara." The two witches walked out.   
  
"Oh... this is SO of the bad..." muttered Xander.   
  
Just then, Anya hustled past him, kissing him on the cheek. "I've got to go honey. With Giles dead, someone has to check on the money." She scurried out and shut the door behind her, with and echoing thunk.   
  
"I'm all alone...."   
  
*****************************************************************************   
  
Anya drove down to the shop and walked right in. She didn't have to bother with such a thing as a lock (even though it was very late), because that would add realism, and that just wouldn't do. Instead of turning on the light, she took out a flashlight and used it to look around. She walked over to the register to ensure that everything in order. Once she was satisfied, she walked back to her car and got in.   
  
"Good. No problems there. Now, let me think. How many times should I have sex with Xander tonight?" She glanced in her rearview mirror and saw a dark figure in her back seat, holding a knife.   
  
"Oh, well that's just great. Way to not listen to Xander Ahn. Now I won't get to sleep with him tonight, and I'm going to get all bloody and gross because some British guy wants to gets his murder kicks."   
  
The killer rolled his eyes. "Is sex all you ever think about you dumb chit?" he asked, his tone annoyed.   
  
"Well no, there's also money. And vengeance."   
  
The man sighed. "Ok, this one is going to be for the good of all mankind I think..." With that, he stabbed her to death.   
  
*****************************************************************************   
  
Willow was all alone in the university library, typing away at a computer. She had logged on to MSN as well, in case some of her friends wanted to contact her. Just then a message box appeared, informing her that someone wished to be added to her contact list.   
  
"Hmmm.... b_idol@hotmail.com.... wonder who that is. Oh well, let's find out." She clicked on the 'Add contact' button and waited. Soon, a little box popped up; 'B_idol says Hello' it read. She clicked on it to open a dialogue.   
  
"Hi." she replied. "I'm sorry, but I don't recognize your handle. Have we met before?"   
  
"Yes, I'd say that we've know each other for a decent while now."   
  
"I'm sorry, but I really have no idea who you are."   
  
"I know."   
  
"Oh, I get it. Is this a game?"   
  
"Yeah... you could say that. A game. I like that."   
  
"Ok, so I'll ask you some questions, and you'll answer, and I'll try to guess who you are, right?"   
  
"Yeah sure... why not?"   
  
"Ok... so... do I see you often? You know on a day to day basis?"   
  
"I'd have to go with a maybe on that one."   
  
"Do you know what the Scoobies are?"   
  
"Yeah. They're also known as the Slayerettes."   
  
"Hmmm..... is this Xander? Because this is kooky kind of Xander game..."   
  
"No, definitely not Xander."   
  
"Ok... is it you Anya? I know you like to play with computers."   
  
"No. Anya's become permanently unavailable."   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"She's dead luv."   
  
"You sicko. That's not funny. Why would you say that?"   
  
"Because it's the truth. I killed her."   
  
"OMG.... Xander was right, wasn't he? You ARE out to kill all of us!"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"... and I'm next, aren't I?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Well, I'll just run away. You won't be able to find me. And I'll tell everyone about you."   
  
"But I already HAVE found you pet... you're in the library. On the computer at the end of the third aisle." The killer was of course correct. That's exactly where she was. But she didn't decide to start running right then and there. Nope, she stayed and continued typing.   
  
"How do you know that?"   
  
"Because I'm in the library too." (Oh come on. Like you didn't see that one coming a mile away.)   
  
Willow could feel her heart pounding. She got up and dashed into the adjoining room, where more computers were set up. (Have you ever noticed that the ones who are supposed to be smart always run TO the danger, instead of away from it? That doesn't seem very smart to me.) Sure enough, one of the computer screens had an MSN window open, displaying the exact conversation she'd just been having. The chair in front of that station was empty. To a normal person, that would be a cue to run, or at least to whip out a cell phone and call 911. But she did neither of these things, because then I couldn't kill her off in proper movie style.   
  
She stared at the unit in absolute horror, noticing that the mouse, cord and all, was gone. She took a step back, and bumped into something solid that hadn't been there before. "Oh... that's bad..."   
  
There was a soft chuckle from behind her. "Did I scare you?"   
  
"Well, duh."   
  
"Good." Suddenly, the killer wrapped the missing mouse cord around her neck, and pulled it tight, cutting off her air supply. She didn't turn red or blue or any such thing, because that wouldn't be very pretty, and actresses in these movies always have to look pretty, with perfect hair and makeup. A few moments later, she slumped to the floor, dead.   
  
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It was raining again, and Tara was in the dorm room that she shared with Willow, just listening to the raindrops patter against the window pane. She smiled and closed her eyes, relaxing. Just then, a new sound penetrated through the peaceful hum. It was the wailing of a cat. She opened one eye.   
  
"M-miss Kitty? Is t-that you?" She sat up and listened hard. The meowing continued, and it was coming from outside. "Oh no! D-did our p-poor kitty get l-locked out in the rain?" Of course it hadn't dawned on her earlier when there'd been no trace of the cat in the small room that she wasn't there. That would be paying attention to one's surroundings you goof.   
  
She rose from the bed and put on her white raincoat, then headed out to find the cat. The rain was coming down in torrents now, and it was very dark out. She peered into the darkness, hoping to catch a glimpse of the small feline. The meowing was a bit louder now, and seemed to be coming from a tall tree on her left. She made her way over to it and peered up into its branches.   
  
"M-miss Kitty? Y-you there?" The meowing continued, and Tara decided that Miss Kitty must be stuck, and needed help climbing down. She pulled herself up into the tree and began to climb. It was a very tall tree, with dense leaves. She had climbed a good distance, when suddenly, the meowing sounded right by her ear. She jumped, rather startled, then turned her head to see Miss Kitty. What she saw was a man's face leering at her.   
  
"Y-you're not M-miss Kitty!"   
  
"Wow, you're brilliant. How long did it take for you to figure that one out Sherlock?"   
  
"W-what are y-you doing up in the t-tree?"   
  
He smiled at her. "Killing you my dear."   
  
"Huh?"   
  
Suddenly, Tara went flying out of the tree, and landed on the electric lines below. There was a snap, crackle, popping sound, and she began to smoke. (No, not a cigarette. She was smoldering. Duh!) Her body jerked and twisted, then plummeted to the ground with a gruesome thunk. The killer climbed down and lit a cigarette.   
  
"Always did like a good light show."   
  
*****************************************************************************   
  
Xander was pacing around his living room, wondering where Anya could be. "It shouldn't be taking her this long to check on things back at the shop... What if the killer got her? I wonder if I should have gone with her... nah... that would mean staying in groups and being safe, and no one does that after a series of murders." He continued to pace. Finally, he decided to go and check on her.   
  
He entered the darkened shop moments later, and began to look around. "Anya? Hey Ahn, are you here? And you know, not a corpse? Ahn?" He approached the table that was set up near the bookcase. He noticed a small plate, with a packaged Twinkie on it. The brand name was very evident, for advertising purposes. Next to it was a folded piece of paper with his name written on the top. He picked up the Twinkie and freed it of it's cellophane packaging, then proceeded to eat it with the skill of an experienced snacker.   
  
Suddenly, he heard footsteps behind him and he turned quickly to see who was the source. His eyes went wide.   
  
"Spike???? What are you doing here? Buffy told us that you had gone down to Mexico for a month."   
  
Spike shook his head. "Nah, I don't leave until tomorrow."   
  
"And what are you doing at the Magic Box?"   
  
"Wanted to get a book on Remres demons. Got one tryin' to settle in my crypt. Nasty smelling little buggers. Not likely house pets." He looked at Xander. "And what about you? Aren't you supposed to be home shagging demon girl?"   
  
Xander frowned. "Actually, I came here to look for her. She was coming to check up on things here. But she's been gone for a long time... and what with a killer after all of us, I was getting worried." He paused then. "Hold on a second... all the murders happened at night... Anya's missing when she was coming here to check on things after Giles's death... and you're here.... YOU'RE THE KILLER!!!!"   
  
Spike raised one eyebrow. "Am I then? News to me."   
  
Xander pointed a finger at him. "You're evil vampire guy... of course you did it. I mean, who else knows all of us, and would want us dead?"   
  
Spike frowned, toying with the paper that had been on the table. He opened it and glanced at it's contents. "Well, I'd imagine that it was the person who wrote this note."   
  
Xander inched cautiously towards him, and grabbed it. The note read:   
  
'Xander. I'm betting that you're enough of a ponce to have eaten the Twinkie before you read this note. The Twinkie is poisoned. Have a nice eternity.'   
  
Xander turned and glared at Spike. "Oh, this is an all-time low. You've corrupted the most innocent of sweet foods as part of your sick murder campaign. I knew you were evil, but I never imagined that you'd use the All - American snack to..." Suddenly, his eyes rolled up in his head and he toppled to the floor, dead.   
  
Spike began to laugh. "Now THAT was entertaining." He turned to the person who had just entered the room, slightly surprised. "Hey.... I thought I saw the wreck of your car on the news..."   
  
Giles nodded. "Yes. That was indeed my car. But I wasn't driving it. That was Ethan Rayne."   
  
Spike pondered that for a moment. "And you never showed up at the shop after... they thought you were dead..." A slow grin spread over his face. "Because you wanted them to think that..."   
  
"How very astute of you."   
  
"So you're the killer the prat was raving about. I didn't think you had it in you Watcher."   
  
Giles shrugged. "I got bored."   
  
The blonde vampire laughed. "You know, this could be a lot of fun."   
  
"Yes, it could. For me." A stake was rammed into Spike's chest.   
  
"Oh fu-" he crumbled to dust.   
  
Giles smiled, then headed out to Spike's Desoto. His hotel reservation listing and travel funds were still inside.   
  
"Huh... I hear Mexico is nice this time of year..." With that, the killer sped away.   
  
Fin  
(Oh was that ever fun....) 


End file.
